I once thought attending a funeral was hypocritical and that we should
care for the person while alive rather than making a fuss after death.
Then I
encountered death in my family. When my father died, I realized how much the funeral and other rituals
associated with death helped my mother, and me, get through this time.
With later deaths
in my family, the process of preparing for a funeral, meeting with family
and friends,
having something specific to do, helped me through those first few days
of shock.
A funeral and the accompanying rituals, which may vary from family to
family,
culture to culture, serve in a number of ways.
Funerals and rituals
*Give us specific things to do rather than allow us to hide away.
*Mean that friends care for us and the deceased as they came to see us at
home,
the funeral home, and the church service.
*Give us an opportunity to reminisce about the deceased and even laugh.
*Provide a type of closure that we need, even when we don’t always
understand
why.
When I saw my mother going through the tasks of selecting and inviting
bearers
for my father’s funeral, meeting with friends who stopped by with food,
deciding what
suit my father would wear, I realized these were tasks initiated by
sadness, but also tasks
which brought comfort in this time of grief.
When another family member died, and my mother was unable to attend the
funeral many miles across the country and be involved in the various
rituals associated
with a sudden loss, she never fully accepted that death. Even though she
saw pictures
of the casket and the grave, she apparently lived in a limbo world of
hope that this child’s
death wasn’t so.
Even though the rituals and traditions may be sad and associated with
grief, they
bring a measure of comfort which usually keeps one from falling apart at
this time.
(c)2001 Mary Emma Allen
About the Author
Mary Emma Allen, book author and columnist, often writes about family
matters
for magazines and online publications. Her most recent book, "When We
Become
the Parent to Our Parents," chronicles her
mother's journey through Alzheimer's. Visit her web site
or email her at mailto:me.allen@juno.com
